So...I Probably Shouldn't Be Sleeping With My Roommate

Ok…so I probably shouldn’t be sleeping with my roommate.

Shouldn’t be sneaking down the stairs at night in order to slip into bed with him, shouldn’t let him bury his head under my dress while our other roommates pick up fast food, shouldn’t squeal like a little girl as he bends me over the communal couch, and shouldn’t let him fold me up like a deck chair until we’re both wet and trembling.

Most of all though, I shouldn’t be keeping it a secret.

 At least, that’s what a certain character would like me not to forget; Margot. She’s the librarian sort, always dotting i’s and crossing t’s and nagging, nagging, nagging. The type of orderly influence that self-preservation deigns necessary but has always sounded like a less effectual version of my mother to me. Margot is that girl who clutches her breast when you accelerate too quickly in a vehicle, a staccato gasp locked in her throat until the threat has passed and she can begin to breathe normally again. 

She’s the goddamn editor and lawyer of my everyday life:

What the hell are you doing, he’s only 21, you’ll ruin the house environment if people found out, this can’t go anywhere, and you’ll wind up getting attached!

I can hear her yelling at me with annoyingly sound logic. She reminds me of Hermione in the first book, when she’s completely insufferable and simply can’t resist a chance to chide or correct someone with a sense of haughty superiority. But again, Margot’s not as effective as Hermione either.

Margot is a forgotten echo in a churning stew of sunshine and shadow.

Then another voice rises over the din:

What? Hell girl, you’re only human, and he’s almost 22 so 4 years ain’t that bad, right? And what about all the convenience of having everything you need right at home? It’s a pretty sweet deal.

Meet Jackie. She’s the wild child, my inner gypsy, the voice in my head who says ‘fuck it, you’re only 25 and you’ve gotten your heart broken before over way more than convenient sex. SHUT UP AND ENJOY IT.’ She’d probably slam a door or wave her finger sassily in the air to drive her point home, with a sharp glare and a voice filled with defiant authority, daring anyone to rebut.

And someone will.

Millie is always quiet at first, watching the others with big doe eyes that seem to observe more than she lets on, giving her a certain air of childlike elegance. She takes a deep breath, filling her belly with fresh air and sighs upon the wind, “but you two get along all right for now. What’s the matter with loving him for a short while? It’s not as if sex is a crime, especially if it makes you as happy as this has.” And then she closes her eyes to let the wind run spindly fingers through her golden hair, and falls silent.

Good, Bianca snorts derisively, turning her nose up at the idea of anything that resembles nobility. She knows full well that the world is only populated with idiots and snakes, knows that the lush hills that everyone covets in daydreams are really littered with landmines whether you deserve them or not – and she’s suffered more than her fair share. Callused and armed, she flicks a cigarette butt into a dumpster and then spits on the ground.

This is all gonna blow up in your face no matter what you try. May as well have an orgasm while you’re at it.

I blink and everyone falls silent. Instead of piloting the ship as one is meant to do in their own skull, I feel more like the walls that hold everything inside, blindly stumbling and crumbling away as the patrons within bicker and joke amongst themselves.

And there I stand, blinking as I realize I’ve spent the past couple of minutes gawping at my own reflection as if somehow this will help the myriad of perspectives swirling through my head. Smudged lenses reveal tired eyes behind them as I take off those red spectacles and rub at the green circles I used to call my eyes, wondering vaguely whether I’m overthinking everything again or simply running through the obvious options that my gut is alerting me of.

But yeah, at the end of the day, I probably shouldn’t be sleeping with my roommate…

Right?